Gimme a few minutes while I tear apart this list of points on dating

Tonight we have a special feature here in the mind of Shyft, where I pick apart a stupid list ‘article’ about dating that brings up some important points in really stupid ways.  I meant to do this months ago, and don’t regard this article with the same vitriol I once did, but here goes.

(from http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2014/04/18-ugly-truths-about-modern-dating-that-you-have-to-deal-with/Mqv7oyPmiCZz2366.01)

1. The person who cares less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested.

This is only common because people would rather view relationships as competitions than as unification.  From an ideal perspective, people who still care about having power over others are not ready for intimacy.

2. Because we want to show how cavalier and blasé we can be to the other person, little psychological games like ‘Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back’will happen. They aren’t fun.

Difficult to confirm, but there is no need to put up with this crap.  Do you want to start a meaningful bonding with blatant manipulation?

3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.

Ask them.  Just ask them.  If their answer regards the former, just explain how you are aware of this trend in order to reduce your misbegotten anxiety.

4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.

Or don’t.  Text to ask if you can call.  If you like talking on the phone and the other person doesn’t, that might signify a long string of differences between the two of you.  If you explain how you appreciate some thing more personal and it falls flat, why would you panic about being misunderstood by some one that you don’t understand?

5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts & social media. If you aren’t the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table.

If you wish to make plans and the other person keeps breaking them or being wishy-washy, then you are pursuing a person who is comfortable with breaking their word and is wishy-washy.  Fuck em.  …And by that I mean forget about them.

6. Someone who hurt you isn’t automatically going to have bad karma. At least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat and betray and move on happily while the person they left is in shambles.

Too true!  But what’s the point?  The point is that justice or no justice, you gotta move on happily too.  Disappointment happens.

7. The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all.

I do so love this one.

8. “Let’s chill” & “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and appear to be here to stay.

 If you don’t want to have sex or make out or what ever, you can be up front about it.  Why the fuck not?  If they get offended, it’s because you’re calling them out and they’re not comfortable enough with their own sexuality to admit to their desires.  If you do want to have sex, but don’t want it to be a one-nighter, talk to them more about their interests first.  There is absolutely no thing wrong in asking a person about what they think of you.  If you realize this, but they do not, why are you still talking to them?  Because you wish that they were some thing that they are not?  Welcome to being human.

9. Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you. At least, not until after they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory.

Can sex be rendered dissatisfying in retrospect?  Test their interest in other forms of intimacy before sex, if you are worried about this.  It doesn’t take much to see if some one cares about your ideas or feelings.  Also, if they find sex with you to be rather unenjoyable, that could ruin any potential intimate relationship in the future, and they have every right to disregard that choice based on physical intimacy dissatisfaction.

10. The text message you sent went through. If they didn’t respond, it wasn’t because of malfunctioning phone carrier services.

The chances are slim these days, but it still happens between my self and my closest friends.  Also, they might just have lost it among dozens of other texts from other people.

11. So many people are scared of commitment and being official that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. I’ve said it many times before, I’ll say it again – “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn’t cheating because, hey, you weren’t together together.

This does a solid job of priming people for the belief that labels are good and necessary for happy relationships.  It also propagates the horribly specific and yet undefined popular meaning of the word commitment.  If you are allowing for a relationship without rules, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t get one.  On the other hand, there is no reason to feel like you are entitled to exclusive rights to a person’s intimacy just because you have experienced that intimacy.  If they don’t want to give up their right to be intimate with others, there is no thing wrong with that.  The great thing about intimacy is that it is perfect for sharing.  If that idea makes you cringe, why didn’t you just ask for titles and rules before you first held hands?  That’s what I did when I was a prude.  It worked just fine.

12. Social media creates new temptations and opportunities to cheat. The private messaging and options for subtle flirtation (e.g. liking of pictures) aren’t an excuse or validation for cheating, but they certainly increase the chances of it happening.

If people want to be intimate with multiple people, then they should (while maintaining honesty).  If you don’t want a partner of yours to have this desire, then disengage from your partner.  Social media does not make people want more intimacy, it just reminds them that they can have it.

13. Social media can also create the illusion of having options, which leads to people looking at Facebook as an attractive people menu instead of a means of keeping contact with friends & family.

This severely begs the question.  Isn’t it good to give people the confidence that they are capable of sharing their lives with all sorts of different people?

14. You aren’t likely to see much of someone’s genuine, unfiltered self until you’re in an actual relationship with him or her. Generally people are scared that sincerely putting themselves out there will result in finding out that they’re too available, too anxious, too nerdy, too nice, too safe, too boring, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not some other person enough to be embraced.

So tell them that they can and should be their selves.  Use your side of the conversation to prove that they are safe around you, and that you are interested in their genuine selves.  Tell some embarrassing stories about your self to prove it or some thing.

15. Any person you get romantically involved with you’ll either wind up staying with forever or breaking up with them at some point. These are equally terrifying concepts.

Yeah, for novices.  Would you pick up a fucking book on mindfulness already?  Accept the reality that you live in.  These fears are pointless, unless you’re itching for an anxiety disorder.

16. When dating, instead of expressing how they feel directly to you, a person is more likely to post a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of a sunset with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it, and while it may not mention your name, it’s blatantly directed at you.

Direct communication is a relationship.  Dump them.

17. There are plenty of people who’ll have zero respect for your relationship and if they want the person you’re with, they’ll have no qualms with trying to overstep boundaries to get to ‘em. Girl code and guy code are wishful thinking and human code isn’t embedded in everyone.

Ask your significant other if it bothers them that other people are pursuing them.  If yes, ask them if they want help in dealing with it.  If yes, be respectfully confrontational.  If the answer to the first question is, ‘No,’ and this irritates you, leave and find some one who wants what you want.  This list sure is setting us up to be hopeless and neurotic.

18. If you get dumped, it’s probably going to be pretty brutal. People can cut ties over the phone and avoid seeing the tears stream down your face or end things via text and avoid hearing the pain in your cracking voice and sniffling nose. Send a lengthy text and voilà, relationship over. The easy way out is far from the most considerate. 

It will be brutal, if you are insecure.  Admit it.  ADMIT IT!  If you really care about them, you’ll realize that this had to happen, and you’ll be happy in a way that they were honest and acted on defending their feelings.  Hey, I know that suffer as a result of seeing the people that I feel close to cry.  What am I supposed to do?  Comfort the person that I just dumped by saying, ‘There, there, honey.  Every thing’s gonna be all right.  You’ll find some one new, some one better.’  I’m pretty sure I don’t fit that role, all things considered.

But you know what?  I might march over there and try to hug it out any way, because my compassion has a tendency to override my practicality.  But if a person won’t do that for you, it’s probably because you did some thing to make them think that breaking up with you makes them your enemy.  So it is your fault after all!

Seriously, though.  Learn what you want, what your insecurity level is, what you are willing to forgive, and why, and how to communicate directly and distinctly before you take any of your relationships of any kind seriously.

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