Where have we come from? How important is our past to our future? I should like to know what made my loved ones who they are, and relive their forming moments as well as I can. It takes a great deal of imagination to cause a human to feel, to believe that their personality has split. A burnt user, though, with so much energy burning within its seemingly fragile form… It happened to Alizia. It happened to me. I know why it happened to me. I was torn between love and hate, between creative and reductive (destructive), and that wretched anomaly pushed all of my right buttons for it. Why did it happen to Alizia? Wasn’t Sharon Stars supposed to be the anomaly of stability, of infinite identity, our only true symbol for permanence? That was her drama, this contradiction. Why did it happen?
Can her mother’s care of her be to blame? And that raises an other question: August managed to destroy my embrace of the ‘call to nature’ fallacy in one powerful speech, washing away my pity of homosexuals, longing for lesser technology, and ignorance of the brutal truth about natural selection. Was Alizia not raised with such knowledge? August’s parents were siphons, specializing in viewing the human world and absorbing all of the information that they could. Is it likely that August lacked the truth of the human side of the world until her ritual death and false mortal life? She was a student of the old gods, after all. No knowledge was barred from her. Per haps August did teach Alizia the horrors of no tech and of low tech- but, ah. August scorned the meaninglessness of a life with too much power, of no conflict. Her major philosophical obsession is that balance in all things is necessary, including that between good and evil, between delight and suffering, and would probably argue that death, madness, and corruption are necessary.
August taught me two things that are easily misconstrued as contradictory. She taught me that natural selection is full of horror and suffering. She also taught me that horror and suffering are necessary, so naturally occurring horror and suffering makes this part of the balance easy. She retreated from the burnt side to the human side, after all. Could this have allowed for Alizia to not only favor but practically worship the ‘natural world’ of Earth?
She resented her burnt nature. She was ashamed of her ‘false’ world of conscious creation and immortality, her own designed body, even- an inverse of the self-flagellating monk who scorns his filthy mortal body! Alizia may have become confused with the difference between ‘true living’ and ‘true life’. August may not have been interested in these details, and Alizia may not have fully developed her own ideology until after August had left. She didn’t discard her ‘unnatural’ lip and fingernail coloring until after she had met me and I had confirmed her beliefs with my ignorance. Had she no one to share her beliefs with before? Let’s look at the facts.
–August raised her children with good intentions and insight- but she did not come off as an ethical objectivist, and she did shun the ways of the gods, particularly how heavy-handed they were with their beliefs. I never felt that way toward them my self, so she must have been pretty sensitive to the issue of leader figures only providing one specific perspective of the world.
–Alizia became largely reclusive after her mother left. It is easier to not empathize with a world that you don’t see much of any longer. One aspect of her culture that she must have held on to subconsciously was that the human world was more interesting than her own. Possibly more importantly, it is very believable from her own account that she had no one to bounce her ideas off of. The only person that she was close to was her brother, Jad, who was too fun-loving to reject his colorful and limitless world.
–It is discovered that Alizia and I were matched from the start, sharing much in common, as predestined by The Darkness. We both loved solitude, and what did I do in the peace and quiet? I thought out my ideas, worked through my issues- out loud. During that time I was ‘two minds about every thing’. Feynd claimed to exist in this way, as my cynicism, for a significant amount of time before he had his own body. Could VizilV have begun as Alizia’s imaginary debate buddy? The contrary part of her self that kept the thoughts flowing? But VizilV isn’t particularly cynical, and Alizia isn’t particularly positive. Their contrast is more VizilV is the wild freedom to Alizia’s sober shame. VizilV’s persona could have been influenced by Jad’s personality, though with the dangerous aspect added in order to keep her from embracing the care-free, permissive attitude.
Alizia may even have wished VizilV alive in some respect, due to her loneliness. I didn’t even realize my own loneliness much of the time, but that is in large part why I so romanticized my internal dialogue. Alizia too could have romanticized her internal struggle with VizilV, and may have fooled her self in to believing that extinguishing VizilV was harder than it seemed. So we have her mother, August, filler her head with loads of ideas but no direction, her culture’s obsession with the human side, her seclusion and pressure from her brother to be different- the apparent destruction of her mother at the hands of a horribly anti-nature being, The Harpist- ah, but that doesn’t work. She seemed to admire some thing about The Harpist. Per haps it was a muddled relationship. Any way, her likelihood of halfway creating VizilV on purpose due to isolation. This is very much a nurture/environment issue. Her mother dies and she loses part of her joy, and in some way blames the world. Veeeery interesting.
This has been an exercise in creative rationality, psychology, for the purpose of generating back ground for my fictional Universe. Azil is important to understand, because she is so central, but I actually am more interested in painting August’s past, and… that’s what I had meant to focus on here, and yet found my self running with a mental tangent. August next time! I would also like to explore the subcultures, the wandering men, the detectives and the indulgence barterers, the influence of the Antimagic Assembly on the world, siphon culture, the G”O”D followers versus the followers of The Harpist, and the fringe religions. Politics were left much the mystery before! And how cultures blended when VizilV raised the veil between the two sides of the world. The burnt side’s understanding of mathematics concerning their magic. So much to do with so little time! But I don’t plan to start writing the story that require this information for some time, so no pressure either… IT’S TOO EARLY FOR SLEEP, DAMN IT. DAMN YOU, BODY. Per haps it is time to read more Heinlein, FOR GREAT INSPIRATION.