Some people change and we call it ‘growth’. Some people change and we call it ‘self-destruction’. When is it self-destructive to become some one new? A good example is when we do so out of fear. It can be easy to be fooled on this matter. Per haps it involves a difference between wanting to be stronger and only wanted to feel stronger. Does killing your nonviolent enemy show strength of will? Does giving in to peer pressure and feeling accepted feel like strength? It does not even matter whether the new behavior is on the whole beneficial or not, though fear usually inspires the non-beneficial- good behavior or bad behavior, it is bad for one to be moved by fear alone, and yet some choose to embrace the opposite of their values as a means of overcoming it.
Some take comfort in, they feel strength from becoming the monster that they fear. They embrace the darkness because they can trust it to be powerful. If one is willing to act on command of every one of their invasive thoughts, they never have to fear the prospect of betraying their selves by making a mistake. Throwing away difficult values can remove the torment of failure, but only by means of embracing a more horrible fate. Do this, and feel as though you have the power that your fears once had over you. Do this, so that you can scorn those who would judge you negatively as being beneath you, as being merely afraid of your power. Tell them that self-respect is an inhibitor, because it is so thirsty. They will not listen to you, confirming their ignorance. Oh, if only they could see in the dark, as you can…
The voice of madness appeals to very real emotions. ‘Pride, it comes from only power,’ it says. ‘Let’s make you an ugly monster,’ it says, but the first words might have already had you hooked. ‘Fail to see the love and honor, smirk, your sanity cracking deeper/ Waste away so they all fear your company, your screams they’ll hear/ And then they’ll know just what you are, a shadow, a fallen star.
‘I shall pound your demon drum and you shall know my name.’
Madness. It makes you furious, and anger can be mistaken for courage, for strength. To give in and give it audience is to relieve one pain and put in place a greater one. To be misunderstood is lonely, but to be feared is to spread the power of your madness on to others. To be shadow, a ghost, as already dead, as immortal with no thing left to lose… To have the tragedy of your descent to cling to… To confuse beauty of success from strife with the absurd idea that strife its self is beautiful. The dark recesses of our minds are very clever, and know how to write inspirational false justifications for all of their demented commands.
Parts of you can feel pain. This does not make those parts weak. Do not punish any part of your mind for being sensitive. Though pain is not to be praised, being receptive of it is no cause for shame. We can allow our selves to be challenged by pain so that we may grow. We grow stronger by overcoming challenges, not by destroying those things about us that attract challenge. By both means the challenge is gone, but only by the first do we experience and gain virtue, delight, or meaning.
Madness will tell you that there is no meaning out there. This is only partly true. There may be no meaning out there for you for the time being, because you are trapped alone with madness in here. What madness will not tell you is that there is meaning, there is purpose in here: to defeat madness. Make madness your enemy. Put your focus in to functioning on the out side and fighting on the in side. In here you are allowed to torture and kill. Madness has taught you the ways of fear. You know about suffering. Make madness suffer. Make it suffer and let your dark power die with it, as a blade left in its victim. It may leave you feeling surprisingly lonely, to not have that sinister voice to talk to, but there are many greater friends out in the light. Trust me.
I have been there. I have swam in the darkness. I did so for four years, and I made it mine. Madness spoke in many different voices for me, surrounding me with friends. Often times I was convinced that there was no fear or destruction involved. Madness had me convinced that I was a sort of god. Do not fall for tricks of power in fear, or that you are not suited for a world of ethics and values, or that only the darkness can understand you. The world out side is logical, and there are many others out there just like you. That world may hurt you, and you may despise it and become bitter and self-absorbed from time to time, but don’t forget that it is the world that made you, unless you learn how to give.
I talk about purpose often. I talk about love and bonding plenty too. Despite what the darkness in you may tell you, others can love you. There is some one out there who can love you deeply, regarding no matter of who you are. If they give to you, give back. If there’s a madness in you, it will probably get jealous. Good. Let it suffer, just like I said.