I have had lots of compelling thoughts over the past bunch of months, but haven’t had the will to illustrate them past the brief note-to-self stage. I still don’t. I’m here to write because today, unlike most days, I haven’t the will to do much of any thing else. I have decided that it shall be therapeutic. Today I feel lost and aimless, and so this post shall serve as a throw-away purpose.
I am stepping out of a disaster, a mutually exclusive romantic relationship that hurt, hardened, and humbled me. It made me happier and more at home than any thing else ever did before. I was actually moved to debilitating bliss for a while. It made me sadder and feel more defeated and betrayed than ever before, but strangely did not put me in to my most depressed or anxious state. Even the loneliness only spikes briefly, though I am wary of it. The hardest parts of this aftermath is none of those things, but in stead just how wrong I was in how I measured the other person, and how much more she was hurting than I was when it ended. She said that I was taking away the greatest thing that she had ever had, and my empathy was on overload.
My code of ethics came in to conflict with my code of honor. Honor said, ‘Protect your loved one from her self.’ Ethics said the same thing, referring to different details, but it also said, ‘Protect your self. She hurts her self and she hurts you, and to keep her warm is to steal from her her most important responsibility.’
Help your friends or help your self? Are they your friends, if you must hurt your self to help them? When is it right to sacrifice? Is there a scale to balance my loss against an other’s gain? Does it matter, if I love them? Does it matter, if they do not love me? Individuals need to be able to fend for their selves, but some times they need help, and we are capable of helping each other. Is it our responsibility to help those in need? I think that in general it is, but society has diversified specialties to the point of there being an abundance of those who help professionally. Small gestures, such as calling the police when observing a break in at a neighbor’s house, are required. Playing amateur marriage counselor or financial adviser to your neighbor is not. That is not an act of kindness, it is a job of kindness. But what about those that you have a social contract with? What are the basic items of a friendship? Parenting is a job for parents. That’s clear enough. What about adults who still seem to need parenting? I guess that the therapist takes the place of the parent in that situation.
The basic items of the social contract of companionship are not as important to analyze as is the balance between parties. If an other invests in you, are you worth their investment? Even if the other person’s intention is not to use you, you may be getting used. It is much like manipulation: a person may not knowingly seek to manipulate you, but their actions may very well be manipulative. Intention makes a lot of difference. If a person means to harm you, even if they fail to harm you, they are a bad person. If a person means to be kind to you, yet they harm you, they are not a bad person because of this, but you may reasonably consider stepping out of their life. Generally speaking, a social contract does not have a set lifespan. That is to say, if it is broken, it is not wrong to refrain from starting it over again. This change should be communicated.
It is possible for external forces to render a promise that you make impossible to keep, and this is not your fault. There is no reason to feel obligated to wait until it is possible again. If you promise to remain the friend of your friend, and then your friend becomes your enemy, for example, you can’t very well stay their friend. The union is ‘friends’, not ‘friend and enemy’!
These are the sort of things that I have been learning recently. I have also learned that learning is the best cure for sadness, and that those who say that love is the best cure for sadness seek comfort and not happiness, and so are wrong. I have been able to observe my psychological habits changing rapidly enough to properly make note of the changes in sequence. I have for per haps the first time participated completely consciously with these changes, and received beneficial results. I have solidified my belief that one’s purpose is the most important thing in their life, but that living well is integral to that purpose, so one must take breaks to care for their health and otherwise well-being. I have realized that love can be no one’s purpose, as love is shared. ‘To be happy’ is not a purpose. Happiness is a by-product of purpose, love, and other items. One will get no where seeking happiness for its own sake.
I have surrendered my self to a schedule. Lists. This helps me stave off feeling overwhelmed by the many responsibilities that I have. I feel overly sensitive lately- you know, more than usual- and feeling like a cluster of tasks is too big for me will turn me in to a useless weakling in no time. One step at a time, one day at a time, organize your tasks in to bite-sized, sequential chunks. You can’t eat breakfast until you get out of bed. You can’t function today unless you’ve eaten. That unfinished album does not exist until after you’ve properly studied your text books today. Etcetera. I find my self taking satisfaction in observing long lists of completed tasks. This is good.
Long ago I trained my self to expect greatest happiness from love ~BACK TRACKING~ and it is taking a long time to break that habit. Love can work like a drug, and when it does it often works like one of those drugs that makes you want to just absorb its effects and forget every thing else. Does it clash with purpose? It can. Be careful.
There is more. Purpose is maximized when its results are shared. Socializing must be balanced with work. This balancing act still baffles me. Give it time. Good things come to those who are patient while they work, but don’t just sit there and wait! And until next time, plan your day point for point while allowing time for setbacks, use music to guide you toward better moods, remember that there are always better people out there, count your blessings, and treat your purpose as that of a great hero!